The moon was still full in the sky, transparent in the west. The sun was beginning to rise in the east, casting bright light as it made its journey upward. Night and day. Often a phrase used to describe polar opposites, but on this morning, night and day were present in the same sky. Some darkness, but lighter. While looking at the moon, I could feel the sun on my back. Blinded by looking east, I knew the moon was still staring at me.
This was a good morning. A morning when I was beginning to come out of the deep darkness of depression. Depression is a place, a time of night that lasts beyond the clock. No stars shine in depression. The moon casts long shadows. But doesn’t the moon reflect the light of the sun?
Hard to imagine all of this while zombie-ing through life, just trying to make it, trying not to destroy things and people along the way. I have been balancing existence and experience, like the moon balances the sun. For months, the darkness of night has weighed me down, even during living hours. Depression dwelled in my head and heart and body, unwelcome, but not unfamiliar. She remains there still, to be sure, but the sun is beginning to rise. The shadows of night are slowly being replaced by shadows of daylight. And it feels better.
Just because the alarm goes off doesn’t mean that the sun is immediately straight above shining strong. Just because it is time to wake up does not mean the moon has receded from view. They co-exist. Night and day share space and time until noon or midnight.
Today, I feel closer to noon than midnight. I have not traveled through time alone, however. I have had the help of counselors, psychiatry, support system, and exercise. None would allow the sun to shine brightly alone. I need them all to move from dark to light in my brain and body.
And even in the midst of daytime, sometimes fog creeps low. But it doesn’t stay but for an hour or a day, not months. Situations happen that cause the blackness to edge its way into view, but it remains on the periphery.
That’s today. A month ago, I was a mess with only a sliver of moon to even light the path. If you are still there, I am sorry. I get it. I really do.
And if you need shades because the sun shines so brightly, I give thanks!
I am somewhere in between night and day, moon and sun, dark and light. But depression will not beat back brightness that is anxious to appear. It may take time, but I am ready for the realization that depression has gone away…again…and I can live in the fullness of warmth and hope.
Former international fashion model Rev. Sarah Renfro seeks to boost the body image of young women by educating them on the myths of media and focusing on divine within. She also preaches and teaches about marriage and divorce, motherhood, ministry, and mental illness.