Current Situation

How do I talk about my own body image
Without being shaming or fat-phobic?
I probably cannot
And that is a shame in itself
I was in such a good rhythm
And then I got on the road
Exercise is mental health care
And it was hard to maintain
In hotel rooms with busy schedules and different time zones
And on travel days spent in airports or behind the wheel
Excuses? yes
Real? also yes
And then vacation. And Covid
I was in a rhythm
And then I wasn’t
I had no stamina or strength
And that which I had was lost
At least on the surface
Do you know what happens to muscles that are not used?
Mine turned to mush-ish
And so did my body image
I have not weighed myself
For that extra weight is apparent
In my mind and in my skin and in my clothes
“I will never be this size again” I had once thought
And gave away all my “fat” clothes
I put “fat” in quotation marks because I am six feet tall
Fat is not a bad word I know now
But normal is a bad word
In my history
As a model
And internalized
Even 20-odd years removed from that life
But I remember 11 years ago and 7 years ago and more recently
What it was to be comfortable-ish in my body
But I cannot say that now
It is hard to admit
How much I loathe looking at photos
Of me
How hard it is putting on clothes
Too tight
I want to play it cool and accept myself just as I am
As I have preached
But rarely practiced
Which is why I do neither any more
It is not authentic
I am good at being vulnerable
Kinda
But I am not good at being a bigger version of myself
Than I want to be
And I cannot share these ridiculous words
For I am healthy
And will get back to running a 5K without stopping
And begin strength training again
But that is not today
I do not have great coping strategies
Exercise helps
But I do not do that all ways always
So I judge myself
My body
My size
My worth
That’s rough
And not fair
To me or any child of God
And we all are
Beautiful and beloved just as we are
In God’s eyes
But I wear glasses and have a different view
And worry about those who do, too
I once was…and now I am…I hope to be…
Not a great place
From which to preach self love and acceptance
When I cannot do the same
When I want to hide and untag photos
I have considered alternatives
But will not engage such strategies
I am beyond those blessedly
I guess
But I would feel better
If only
There is always an “if only”
For us mortals
Or at least me
I know I am not alone
And that makes me sad
To know others also feel the pain of not-enough-ness and too-much-ness
I want to have it all
Together and to be okay
When I don’t
Mental health/illness I can name
Focusing on fat, I cannot
So I sit and write
After weeks of negative self-talk
Maybe this will help?
Maybe not but it is something ​